UTTERLY Useless

Questions and Answers

UN, am i alone in thinking they are utterly useless?

Q) Have they achieved anything of value. they're just a bunch of useless morons who take their orders from the same people that cause all the problems in the world.

A) You have put it in a nutshell. Exactly. That is the true condition of the UN. Full of absolute spineless and selfish morons who don't care if a million people are killed as long as they get their fat pay and expenses. Their main job is to rubber stamp all US decisions.

Are the RAF really utterly utterly useless? I always enjoy the Red Arrows and think they are great?

A) I must have missed something in the news about the RAF as I don't know what you are talking about . The red Arrows are a fantastic display team and if those boys were in a dog fight they would win hands down by confusing the enemy completely . Hope that answers your question

why are Maroon 5 so utterly useless?

A) I liked their first song. It was catchy.

What is it that you are utterly useless at?

A) Bricklaying

Why is everyone you speak to that work in a customer service department so utterly useless?

A) Because they have been sacked from all their other jobs for being fat ugly mooses... Now they are all bitter and twisted and enjoy fukcing the rest of us around....

Isn't this web site just a glorified newsgroup but with less meaningful information?

Q) I was just browsing this site and 99% of the answers are completely and utterly useless. Questions like, "How fast does a Bugatti go" with answers like "fffast" What's the point?? Seems like too many people with nothing to say got too much spare time

A) Yea, you could say that.

How do you apply/find out whether apprenticeships are available?

Q) i want to apply for an apprenticeship in accounting in nuneaton but my connexions adviser is utterly useless!!! please can someone tell me the steps i need to take in order to get an apprenticeship. please dont suggest connexions as i have alrady said they arent much help!! thanks

A) There are agencies you can register with, go online and search for agencies offering apprentice ship training. I only know the ones who offer apprenticeships in mechanics. You say your connexions advisor is useless so ask for another, they should have application forms for providers and a book for you to browse which has different opportunities. Good luck

Update on my son. What can I do?

Q) Some of you may remember I told you about my son moving out a few weeks ago. He moved into a flat in Glasgow and I was worried sick because when he's done this in the past, he gets really down and drinks himself stupid. Well, it's happened tonight again. We had to get the police to get in and he was lying unconcious surrounded by urine and empty vodka bottles. He went mental and told everyone to get out and leave him alone. The abuse............... I'm home now and don't know what to do. I feel utterly useless and don't know what will become of him. He's 34 years of age and suffered a serious brain injury 3 years ago. He now suffers from depression and drinks to try to help.....

A) sorry I feel bad for you. I wouldn't know how to help though.

How can I keep my boss aware of my colleague's incompetence?

Q) This sounds like a really nasty question, I know, but the editor of the magazine I work on (I'm the deputy editor) is utterly useless at her job and I have been on the receiving end of her lazy attitude, low standards, bad organisational skills and even her dishonesty for nearly two years. My publisher has been well aware of the situation for months and even called me into his office last week, after a very stressful time, to say he knows it's me who is holding the magazine together and that I should "hang in there." I don't really know what that means, but I know that if I continue to cover up this woman's blunders, she will never be dealt with properly. How can I keep my boss aware of her future errors without looking totally bitchy or complaining to him every five minutes? Thanks in advance for your advice.

A) Take a vacation.

What is a lawyers answer to a question?

Q) Legaly correct but utterly useless

A) They are not, of course, always legally correct. Why otherwise do they take sides !!!! They never lose of course. They just don't always win. Anyway, how would you know if a bloody roadkill was a moose or a lawyer? If it was a lawyer there would be no skid marks!!!!!!

Why is Yahoo Help so utterly useless?

Q) They are difficult to contact, & when they do respond; it's a useless form letter! I'm thinking my roommate who always says Google is better may be correct.

A) A fantastic question, and one I wish I knew the answer to. I suspect it has something to do with the fact that there is no expectation for them to have any sort of "human" side to their customer support, since they're so closely tied to the net. They can hide behind e-mails and FAQ's, knowing you have no way to get a hold of them when these turn out to be utterly useless. It's easier to break your spirit and make you give up then to actually provide help!

I am feeling sad depressed and utterly useless, how to bounce back from this feeling.?

Q) I dont understand, its like a bug has hit me I have a headache, I am crying all the time, I feel lost. And for the first time in years I wish life was over. My job is terrible, I'm doing something I don't like, just to feed myself. I got fired from the job I loved because people hated me for no reason other than I was good at what I did. And now I am building a home, and I don't know if I can keep this job, because I dont like it. So many things going on. HELP I feel like leaving this world altogether, how do we get out of here?

A) Look...everyone goes through those rough patches...so just keep on going. We all know that feeling. You keep saying whats all wrong in your life, what about the good things. Write a list out of all the accomplishments you've had and don't worry about the negative. You should show all those people that didn't like you that you are still here and they don't bother you. If you have to run on just pure spite then do it. Show them that you are here to stay while they are stuck in the rut...you're doing just fine. Building a new house is such a great step and when you get it, you'll feel that you finally have something to call your own and no one will be able to take that away from you. Good luck!

Can you recommend a UK bank less utterly useless than LloydsTSB for a personal account?

Q) Preferably one that a) understands the internet and b) does not use helplines.

A) They are all useless...try going into a traditional building society for a personal account...they think that you will eventually get a mortgage from them so are usually pretty good.. Egg is a very good on-line bank for personal banking...they use call centres but have a really easy approach to their customers that is very refreshing

Does anyone else think Y!A admins are utterly useless?

A) Yes at the moment with all the porn pictures that is coming into this site

What purpose is there for someone who is utterly useless?

A) None. I will therefore kill myself now and stop stealing your oxygen. Goodbye world and thanks for all the pie

What is Man's(or Women's) most utterly useless Invention ???

A) Take the invention patented by Albert Cohen of Troy, NY for an “Apparatus for simulating a ‘high five’.” It’s comprised of an artificial hand and arm that swing forward to perform a congratulatory high five, perfect for those dorks who always miss the other high-fiver’s hand and then grin sheepishly hoping no one, including the other person, noticed. Amazingly a patent search turns up no other references to high fiving. This means Cohen has the market all to himself, yet he doesn’t seem to be taking advantage of it since I haven’t seen them in any store. Of course I don’t usually hang around Klutzes-R-Us. Usually being the imperative word. Another charmingly useless patent is for a Gravity Powered Shoe Air Conditioner. Unfortunately it turns out gravity powers the air conditioner, not the shoe. A big market for the La-Z High-Fiver™ would be those people who over high-five. You know, the ones who take every opportunity to congratulate each other , including when their favorite chess team takes a rook, when they cross the street successfully, and when a girl actually speaks to them, even if all she said was, “Leave me alone or I’m calling the police.” But since those people don’t have the La-Z High-Fiver to help them out, they might consider giving their arm a much needed rest by using the Motorized Ice Cream Cone patented by Richard Hartman of Issaquah, WA. All you do is fill it with ice cream, stick out your tongue, press a button, and the cone spins around for you. Hopefully it comes with a warning sticker not to use it with a Popsicle lest your tongue stick to it, much like the mid-winter tongue-on-the-flagpole trick your brother tried to talk you into, only this time with a motor attached. Another charmingly useless patent is for a Gravity Powered Shoe Air Conditioner. Unfortunately it turns out gravity powers the air conditioner, not the shoe. Maybe next patent. The shoe contains a small bellows, a compressor, an evaporator, and liquid-filled heat exchange coils so it cools your feet as you walk. This is a good thing since with all that extra equipment in your shoe your feet are bound to get pretty hot. The patent says the same principle can also be used to heat a shoe. If this is correct, it would put this innovation on par with the thermos bottle for the Intelligent Invention Of All Time award. After all, a thermos keeps hot food hot and cold food cold. How does it know when to do which? It would be nice if they’d focus on things we really need. You know, like a microwave oven with a “Reverse” button for those times when we overcook our dinner. Since Kool Kicks™ gravity-powered air conditioned shoes are bound to be a little on the heavy side, they’ll probably need a better way to help them stay on, which is why it’s a good thing Aaron Harrellin invented the Pneumatic Shoe Lacing Apparatus. It uses “a plurality of securement webs”—whatever that may mean, a crank pulley, and a gas cylinder to—as best I can gather—help you lace your shoes, something any five-year-old can achieve without having to resort to three of the six basic types of machine. It’s a shame Harrellin couldn’t have worked in a lever, inclined plane, and wedge or he might have woken up on Christmas morning to find a Nobel Prize in his stocking. None of these, however, may be quite as useless as the Force-Sensitive, Sound-Playing Condom. Paul Lyons holds the patent on this marvel of 20th century technology which plays a song during intercourse, the on-off switch being tripped when your bodies, uh, meet. This is the perfect thing for those times when there’s no Barry White CD handy, the bed doesn’t squeak, or your partner equates silence with ecstatic feedback. Unfortunately you can’t get them at your local drugstore. Yet. I suspect that’s because Lyons had trouble getting the rights to use Bob Marley’s Get Up, Stand Up; Easy to Be Hard from Hair; and the Bee Gees' How Deep Is Your Love. Face it, Killing Me Softly just doesn’t cut it at a time like that. While none of these meet the high standard set by such patents as the phonograph, safety pin, or paper clip, you can’t expect that from every invention. Yet it would be nice if they’d focus on things we really need. You know, like a microwave oven with a “Reverse” button for those times when we overcook our dinner. Or a voicemail system which lets you go back in and delete the stupid message you just left someone before they discover just how stupid you can really be. Or maybe a way to email an electric shock to anyone who routinely hits “Reply to all,” puts you on their joke forwarding list, or sends 2-meg attachments in a format your computer can’t understand without warning. Now we’re talking useful.

Why do people waste their time answering questions on completely and utterly useless sites such as this one?

Q) my history teacher doesnt understand the beauty of this website... please explain!

A) Mankind searches for truth, and craves social interaction. The way we accomplish this evolves with advances in technology. From Old Testament times, we have--"In the multitude of counselors there is safety." (Proverbs11:14) Man has always sought counsel from his neighbors, as one of the best sources of knowledge and wisdom available to him. Sites like this one are the evolution of neighbors talking to each other over the backyard fence before the electronic communication age. First, we used the telephone for several generations, which enlarged our definition of 'neighbor'. Then there was TV, but it was only one-way communication and we were at the mercy of the programmers. Next, ARPANET was developed by the military/industrial complex, which led to the civilian Internet. Interactive web sites like Yahoo! Answers and text messaging are the next step in this evolution, and have again redefined our neighbor as 'the global community'. Who knows, maybe the future will bring digital implants that allow us to interface directly with the artificial construct of the world-wide web, and then--in the far future--directly with the brotherhood of Man. But I wouldn't tell your teacher the last part--he/she doesn't seem to be to able to get a handle on the current reality as it is. Best of luck.

FIFA Ranking System. How does it work and is it really utterly useless?

Q) While Brazil are surely number one i'm also sure Mexico and the USA don't belong in the top 10 teams. Beating Barbados, and bermuda hardly compares to beating greece or Sweden :)

A) it depends on results..not performance..so its messed up

Do you feel that debating and arguing over religion and politics is utterly useless?

Q) Include your reasoning: why or why not.

A) Yep! I avoid those topics like the plague. You believe what you believe, they believe what they believe, and neither of you are going to change your mind. The best case scenario is you both agree to disagree . . .

What is the most useless, pointless, and utterly odd fact you know?

Q) The weirder the better!

A) Hair is dead, only folicles are alive.